15 Things I'm Not Too Proud Of

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This post is in no way meant to be negative. I whole heartily understand that mistakes are an important part of life and help shape us into the person we are today and the person we'll be in the future. This post is simply me sharing freely about my life and struggles.

:: Sometimes I have very little patience.

:: I'm not as healthy as I'd like to be.

:: I often struggle with feelings of jealousy.

:: For as long as I can remember I have struggled with poor self esteem.

:: I'm not close with my brother and sister and take full responsibility for that.

:: During the ages of 15 through 19 I struggled with drugs.

:: I have always done poorly in school.

:: I can be pretty messy and disorganized at times.

:: I'm really stubborn, especially when it comes to admitting when I'm wrong to my husband.

:: I'm awful at writing thank you notes.

:: It's difficult for me to open up to people.

:: I used to be a smoker. This month will mark two years smoke free and I love that I can say I don't smoke anymore.

:: Finishing projects on time or even at all is a struggle for me.

:: I wish I was a more grateful person.

:: This is something that is still so difficult for me to admit though four years have passed since it last happened.  When I was 21 years old I went through a dark depression and turned to cutting myself for comfort. If you could see me in person you'd see that both my arms and legs are covered in long white scars. I still carry a lot of shame from this and rarely ever wear short sleeves or shorts even during the hot summer months.

On Writing

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Each morning after I put Chloe down for her nap, and the dishes from breakfast are cleared and put away I sit down at my computer with every intention to write something for this blog of mine. As of lately though writing anything with substance has been a real struggle for me. This happens from time to time but eventually I always make it through, but this time it feels so much more harder to get out of this funk.

There have been so many post I've planned to write that just simply haven't happened. For example, I wanted to write a post about living with family, an update on breastfeeding, Chloe's birth story, life updates, and so many more. It's beyond frustrating to me to have all these ideas and words buzzing around in my head all day long but then not being able to form them into complete thoughts and paragraphs.

Can anyone relate?

If so here are a few questions I have.

-- When do you sit down to blog?

-- Do you schedule your post's?

-- What helps you write?

-- What sort of post's do you enjoy to write?

-- Do you ever get writers block? If so how do you move past it?

-- Do you ever jot down notes for a post in a notebook or piece of paper?

If you have any advice you'd like to share I would greatly appreciate it!

Feeling Down

It's not too often that I write something personal on this blog. It's always been my intention to share the good, bad, and ugly but in all honesty it scares me to be so honest and vulnerable. At this moment though I am feeling down and need to share what's on my heart.

For several months now I have been searching for a full or part time nanny job that I can bring Chloe with, with absolutely no luck until just recently. I was contacted by a family seeking a full time nanny for their newborn son starting in September after the Mom goes back to work. It seemed like it would be the perfect fit for us and I could even bring Chloe with. We talked on the phone last Sunday and then on Wednesday I received an email from the Mom saying they would love to meet Chloe and I in person to discuss the position further. I was supposed to meet with them yesterday evening but never got an email actually confirming that we for sure were going to meet for an interview.

Then yesterday afternoon I finally received an email from her stating that they decided to hire someone else for the position and if it doesn't work out they will keep me in mind. It's hard for me to not feel like a failure, like I let Mike and Chloe down. A part of me really thought I had this job and I let myself get way to excited about it. I'm really trying to stay positive about this whole thing but I'm starting to feel hopeless about finding a job.

I know I need to keep looking and applying and have faith that God has the right job for me. And on a good note I do have an interview lined up in the next couple of days so if you could please send prayers and good thoughts my way I would greatly appreciate it!

Mom Guilt

Lately I have been feeling frustrated with Chloe, and I feel incredibly guilty for having these feelings towards my daughter. I love Chloe with all my heart and feel so grateful and blessed I get to spend everyday with her but lately all I can think about is how much I need a moment to myself.

I want a moment of complete silence, with the sun shining down on me and the wind dancing across my skin. I want to be able to take a deep breath, to not worry or be touched or to nurse. The thing is, I probably could have a moment like this, my parents or brother or sister would absolutely love to watch Chloe but I cant help but feel guilty for "pawning" her off so I can "escape" Motherhood. What if she gets hurt, or needs to nurse, or cant stop crying? What is she is scared and wondering where I am and I'm not there to comfort her? What if she feels like I don't love her anymore? What if she has more fun with other people and never wants to be around me again?

I think the biggest reasons I have been feeling so frustrated and exhausted is because Chloe has been very fussy and clingy with me lately and everyday after I put her down for a nap she wakes up in tears the moment I try to leave the room and will only stay asleep if I lay down with her. Then at bedtime Chloe is comfort nursing all night long. It feels like I'm never getting a moment to myself anymore.

One of the main reasons we moved back to Chicago was to be near my family, to have their help and support. I know they would be more then happy to watch Chloe from time to time so Mike and I could go on a date or so I can have some much needed time alone buts its difficult for me to not feel guilty about not being able to do it all. I know I need to realize though that I'm important and need to take care of myself and that Mike and I's marriage is important and we need to have the time to grow our relationship. I know I need to make a change, the last thing I want is to take my frustration out on Chloe because I was to scared to ask for help. I want Chloe to always know how much I love her and that every moment we spend together is so very special to me.

How do you deal with Mom guilt and what things do you do to recharge?

This Time of Year

Its hard to believe that Christmas is only 2 days away, that the month of December is coming to an end,  and that in 9 days we will welcome the new year with outstretched arms and hopeful hearts. I cant help but think about this time last year, when Chloe was still growing in my belly, when we didn't even know we were having a sweet baby girl, when all I could do was daydream about celebrating Christmas as a family of three and sharing the love and joy that knowing Jesus brings with my baby.

I'm not going to lie, this Christmas inst what I daydreamed it would be. The realization that I will always remember this season in our life as a time of great trials and tribulations is a little saddening to me. I'm trying to remind myself that though this year has been full of challenges I still have so much to thank Jesus for. My daughter is perfect, and healthy, my husband and I are alive, healthy and together, we have food and shelter, and amazing family and friends that love and support us!

And for all that I feel blessed!

On My Heart: My Marriage

I've written this post about a million times in my head, but every time I sit down to write it the words just wont come out. It's terrifying to be honest and vulnerable, to let people in, to show the world that my life is far from perfect. This blog has been an incredible blessing to me, and I'm so very proud of it, but its much to easy to paint this picture that my life is a fairytale.

I feel that God is calling me to be honest, to share my burdens with the world, no matter how terrifying it may seem.

My husband and I are going through something right now, something deep and scary and all consuming. We have faced many obstacles in our relationship and have made it through each one together, always stronger for it, but this, this thing that we're going through right now seems utterly impossible to get through.

It's so difficult to hear Gods voice in all this mess that we've created.

I'm terrified that we're going to look back on this time period a year from now and think to ourselves that what we we're going through then (now) is nothing compared to what we're going through right now (future).

I feel like God is allowing this crises to happen to wake us up, to bring us back to him and I want so desperately for Mike and I to get back to Him together, but by waiting for Mike I'm falling even further away from God. I need to make my way back to God by myself, and to pray for Mike along the way, to pray that he will join me someday soon. I need to think about myself and my daughter. No matter what happens to Mike and I, I want Chloe to have the best life possible and for her to know how loved she is.

I don't know what this will exactly look like but I know what I need to do.

On My Heart: Missing Pieces of Me

Growing up I always considered myself to be a hopeless romantic. I believed love to be powerful, passionate, and all consuming. I believed in love at first sight and that somewhere out in this great big world my soul-mate was searching for me. In my eyes love was always worth fighting for.

Growing up I loved getting lost in the beauty of nature, of art, of music, of books filled with words heavy with passion and truth.

I miss that part of myself.

Somewhere in the mess of life, and stress, and heartache I lost me. Maybe part of it has to do with getting older or maybe it has to do with all the struggles I have encountered over the last 8 years of my life. I know that facing trails can make you a stronger, more wiser person but how do you not let it steal away the passion you once had for life? 

I feel so jaded these days.

I know I need to slow down and open my eyes to all the beauty that's around me and focus my attention on all the little pleasures in life, like the way my daughter stares up at me while sitting in my lap with the most beautiful dark blue eyes I have ever seen, or the way my hand still fits so perfectly in my husbands, even after all these years together, or the way a certain song can leave me hopeful and daydreaming.

Life is filled with so much beauty and love, but as you get older and have the demands of life on your shoulders it becomes a lot harder to see.

My goal for myself is to take the time each day to daydream about love, to forget about all the bills and stress and challenges of life, even if its just for a minute. Those things will always be there but this precious time I have with my daughter, with my husband, with my family and friends wont last forever.

On Losing A Friend

This morning while I was on my facebook page I decided to look through my messages and start deleting all the ones I didn't need anymore. I stumbled upon this message from a friend.

"been okay, saw Joe on News years he mentioned he was flying out to your wedding. Congrats on that, how did you end up having the wedding and where? I just got back to IL a few days ago, was out in AZ. Call me anytime, number is the same. Loved to hear from you. And are you still in Seattle, i have friends out there and would love to come and visit. Take care girl, and try to get some time to call! Hope all is well, Kerry."

This was in April 2010, in October she passed away. I never wrote her back or gave her a call. I had every intention to do so, but would get busy and then forget. Before she passed away I was hoping to get together with her in November when Mike and I flew back home to Chicago for Thanksgiving. I wanted to tell her that I was pregnant. I wanted to share stories with her, to laugh about old times, to finally see her face to face. But none of that ever got to happen. I wish I would have written her back, I wish I would have taken the time to call her before she passed.

When I was much younger Kerry was my best friend, we were inseparable. As time went on we grew apart, made different friends. Throughout the years we would drift back into each others life for short periods of time. It felt like nothing ever changed between us, like we had always been there for one another the whole time. Unfortunately when ever we got together I made a lot of poor decisions, and did a lot of things that I now regret as an adult. I think the last time I saw Kerry was 8 years ago, when I was 17.

When I moved out to Seattle I reconnected with her through myspace, we talked for a few hours on the phone once. Then we stopped talking again. Time passed and once again we reconnected but through facebook this time, we sent a few messages back and forth, lost touch, and in April of 2010 I sent her a message asking her how she was doing. That was the last time I heard from her. 

If I could go back in time I would have written her back, I would have called her. Though we were not close friends anymore she is still someone I cared about and so many of my memories of when I was younger had her in them.

I'm going to keep that message. It's a reminder that life is precious and fragile. That I should never be to busy to cherish the ones i love. It's a reminder to take time for one another.

I love you Kerry, I always will! Thank you for being my friend and for all the memories we share!

A New Appreciation

Through this journey of pregnancy, childbirth, and now motherhood I have a new found respect and appreciation for my body. Now when I look in the mirror I see a body that is strong, healthy, and nurturing, I see a body that grew the greatest most beautifulest gift I have ever received, I see a body that produces sweet milk for my daughter to drink. I am just in awe with God's creation of life and all its complexity. I can not thank God enough for blessing me with a body that is so perfectly made to have children. I feel so very blessed to have gotten the chance to experience pregnancy and the birth of my daughter.

In all honesty my body looks like its been through war. I have deep, pink stretchmarks that cover my stomach, loose skin from my belly stretching to accommodate my ever growing baby, and a long deep scar that runs across my lower abdomen from my c-section. To me my new body is beautiful because it tells a story that I am most proud of, the birth of my daughter!