Feeling Down

It's not too often that I write something personal on this blog. It's always been my intention to share the good, bad, and ugly but in all honesty it scares me to be so honest and vulnerable. At this moment though I am feeling down and need to share what's on my heart.

For several months now I have been searching for a full or part time nanny job that I can bring Chloe with, with absolutely no luck until just recently. I was contacted by a family seeking a full time nanny for their newborn son starting in September after the Mom goes back to work. It seemed like it would be the perfect fit for us and I could even bring Chloe with. We talked on the phone last Sunday and then on Wednesday I received an email from the Mom saying they would love to meet Chloe and I in person to discuss the position further. I was supposed to meet with them yesterday evening but never got an email actually confirming that we for sure were going to meet for an interview.

Then yesterday afternoon I finally received an email from her stating that they decided to hire someone else for the position and if it doesn't work out they will keep me in mind. It's hard for me to not feel like a failure, like I let Mike and Chloe down. A part of me really thought I had this job and I let myself get way to excited about it. I'm really trying to stay positive about this whole thing but I'm starting to feel hopeless about finding a job.

I know I need to keep looking and applying and have faith that God has the right job for me. And on a good note I do have an interview lined up in the next couple of days so if you could please send prayers and good thoughts my way I would greatly appreciate it!

On My Heart: My Marriage

I've written this post about a million times in my head, but every time I sit down to write it the words just wont come out. It's terrifying to be honest and vulnerable, to let people in, to show the world that my life is far from perfect. This blog has been an incredible blessing to me, and I'm so very proud of it, but its much to easy to paint this picture that my life is a fairytale.

I feel that God is calling me to be honest, to share my burdens with the world, no matter how terrifying it may seem.

My husband and I are going through something right now, something deep and scary and all consuming. We have faced many obstacles in our relationship and have made it through each one together, always stronger for it, but this, this thing that we're going through right now seems utterly impossible to get through.

It's so difficult to hear Gods voice in all this mess that we've created.

I'm terrified that we're going to look back on this time period a year from now and think to ourselves that what we we're going through then (now) is nothing compared to what we're going through right now (future).

I feel like God is allowing this crises to happen to wake us up, to bring us back to him and I want so desperately for Mike and I to get back to Him together, but by waiting for Mike I'm falling even further away from God. I need to make my way back to God by myself, and to pray for Mike along the way, to pray that he will join me someday soon. I need to think about myself and my daughter. No matter what happens to Mike and I, I want Chloe to have the best life possible and for her to know how loved she is.

I don't know what this will exactly look like but I know what I need to do.

More Than Anything

I am often filled with anxiety as a new Mother. Terrified I am doing everything wrong. Does Chloe feel loved?, Does she feel safe? Does she feel that she can trust that both her parents will meet her needs? Is she eating enough, sleeping enough, to hot or to cold? To many dirty diapers, not enough? Why is she spitting up so much today? Was it something I did, something I ate? Everyday these questions swirl around my head, making me feel completely exhausted and dizzy with worry. I will admit that there are times when I am scared  I am doing this whole Mothering thing wrong. I honestly hate that feeling.

I just want more than anything for Chloe to feel so loved and adored by her Father and I. I want her to feel safe and secure, that she can trust that her parents will meet her needs, that she never has to feel scared and alone. More than anything I want Chloe to know that her Mom and Dad will always be there for her, guiding her through her own journey in life. I want her to know how absolutely beautiful she is, and that God made her perfectly with his own hands. I want Chloe to feel proud of who she is, to feel confident. I want her to feel encouraged by her parents, supported, and that  her voice is heard.  More than anything I want Chloe to grow up in a home with parents that love each other and respect one an other.

I know that I am not going to be the perfect Mother, I know that I will make plenty of mistakes in raising my daughter, but more than anything I just want Chloe to know that her parents love her so  very much and that she makes us so incredibly happy. I pray that she never has to question that.

28 Weeks

Picture taken right before my big fall.

Its been to long since I have written a post, I was going to write one last weekend but I ended up spending the weekend in the hospital so writing wasn't really on my mind. As most people know last Saturday evening I fell outside and landed right on my belly. Both Mike and I were really shaken up about the whole thing and rushed to the hospital to make sure our daughter was ok. We stayed there overnight on Saturday, and Sunday evening at 9 we got to go home. They wanted to keep my there for 24 hrs just to be safe which was honestly such a huge relief for Mike and I. We would much rather be overly cautious about the whole thing.

Chloe is doing great, she seemed to be completely unaffected by the whole ordeal! The whole time I was in the hospital they checked on Chloe often with a doppler for 20 minutes at a time, her heartbeat was perfect and strong and she was just busy playing away. While I was there I was also hooked up to a monitor that recorded any contractions I was having. Turns out I was having contractions, they were just mild ones and I didn't even know I was having them most of the time. The doctor wasn't to worried about it and said that it's normal to have contractions when you experience a trauma like that. They did give me a pill to take that was supposed to relax my uterus and stop the contractions. The pill seemed to work well because by the end of my stay I had much fewer contractions then when I came in.

As of right now, 4 days out of the hospital I feel pretty good. I was extremely tired Monday and Tuesday and slept most of the day. On Monday my body felt really sore and I had a difficult time lifting my right arm. The soreness has gone away and now the only thing that is really bothering me is my right hand. I scraped it up pretty bad in a couple different spots so it's difficult to use my hand right now, and it hurts, and it's pretty gross to look at lol. I'm not having any contractions at least not that I know of. I have to go in for a non-stress test on Tuesday and a ultrasound so I will know more then.

My husband and I are so incredibly grateful that everything is ok with our baby girl, and we just thank God so much for protecting her when I fell. Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers, it meant so much to us!

Everything Is Ok

 My beautiful daughter in 4d at 26 weeks and 4 days

So yesterday we ended up having an unscheduled ultrasound. Yesterday morning I called my midwife and expressed to her that I was feeling concerned because I hadn't felt any movement from Chloe since Saturday afternoon. I was really worried because I feel my baby's movements everyday, and her movements have been getting much stronger to the point were I can see my belly move when she is kicking. So it was really scary to all of a sudden not be able to feel anything for several days. My midwife told me to come in at 12:30 to possibly do a non stress test and to hear the baby's heartbeat. I called Mike while he was at work and told him that our midwife wanted us to come in that afternoon. Mike left work early and came home and we were able to go to our appointment together which was such a huge relief to have him there with me.

When we got to the birth center my midwife had me lay down immediately so we could check for the baby's heartbeat. She found Chloe's heartbeat right away, and it sounded nice and strong. It was such a huge relief to her heartbeat! My midwife suggested though that we go to the hospital next door where we had gotten our 20 week ultrasound and have another ultrasound done to really see what was going on with our baby.

Luckily there was an opening right away at the hospital and we didn't have to wait to be seen. It was amazing to see Chloe again through the ultrasound, she already looked so much bigger then the last time we saw her almost 7 weeks ago. The ultrasound technician took all of Chloe's measurements and looked at all the necessary things to make a complete assessment on Chloe's health. We could clearly see that Chloe was moving around, kicking her little legs and feet, and moving her arms and hands. At one point in the ultrasound we could see that Chloe had her feet all the way up by her head lol, It was so cute! We also got to see Chloe's face in 4d which was beyond the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Seriously I cant even describe how incredible it was to see my daughter's face so clearly, it really was so touching and it left me completely in awe!

The doctor came in a little bit later to go over the ultrasound. She said Chloe looks completely perfect, that she weighs 2.4 lbs and is moving around a lot. The doctor told us that baby's usually don't have a routine yet until at around 28 weeks and that most mothers do not feel all of their baby's movements. She also told us that I have a little more amniotic fluid then I had before which could be what is causing me to feel less of Chloe's movements. I asked the doctor what is causing me to have more fluid, and she said that the extra fluid is Urine from Chloe which could mean that I have gestational diabetes because Chloe is peeing more then she should. I am scheduled to take the glucose screening test next Tuesday with my midwife but the doctor I saw today suggested that I take the test sometime this week instead. She kept reassuring me that Chloe is completely healthy though, and that she is not worried at all but that she does want me to come in again next Tuesday for another ultrasound and a non stress test.

Mike and I both felt so relieved that we were able to see Chloe, hear her heartbeat, and to know that she is perfectly fine and healthy. I will admit though that I am really worried about taking the glucose test, and I am worried that they are going to tell me I have gestational diabetes. All I want is for my baby to be healthy.